Fear
by kdibs227cheerleader
Summary: He had feared this man. He had also hated him with everything he had. His only other fear was what they would do when they found out.


They never expected you to explode like that. The way you must have looked at that instant must have been shocking for them-since you _never_ lose your cool like that-but how else we you supposed to act?

You were angry at Robin for coming across that file. He never should have read it, it would have brought up more questions about a past you wished to forget, but being Robin, he read it. No amount of wishing could change that.

They had never heard of him. To them it was just another person in a large crowd. But, you knew better. That man fed fear and anger into your body, the very thing that prevented you from thinking properly in that situation. They should have known better.

He had brought it up so _casually_ it was a wonder you hadn't leaped across the table and beat the crap out of him. That would have resulted in a night in the Med Wing. It didn't matter. He didn't like to think of him-but now they knew that there was something there and they were going to find out what it was.

Which was why you had stormed out of the tower faster than ever. You had left you communicator on the table with your untouched breakfast. You had changed as soon as you hit the water, it didn't matter that it was mid winter and the water was freezing. You needed the escape. The water provided the only place they couldn't get you.

On foot, Cyborg could catch you in the T-Car and Robin could corner you on the R-cycle. Raven and Starfire could fly. He water was _his_ domain. He felt safer here, this being the only place they couldn't follow him. His mind was a mess of thoughts and crazed feelings. If Raven were here, he would probably be giving her a headache with all his messed up emotions. Not that he bothered to care at that instant.

After a long time his changed form, walking on shore on some far out flat of land. It had a few trees, which made it seem somewhat livable. You needed time to think, to plan what you were going to tell them. You weren't getting out of this-Robin would be the detective and Starfire and Cyborg would pit you with questions until you cracked and Raven…well she would find _some_ way to make you slip up. It wasn't going to happen. You had many years of practice hiding the rage and fear that you harbored towards this man.

He had done cruel, unspeakable, horrible things to you. He had taken away so much from you and had made you once so scared of people that you hadn't been able to trust anyone for a long time. That fear was brought back to the surface after Terra betrayed you and than you pushed that feeling away-hiding it with the others-just to make sure the others were ok, even though you were hurting.

Now they knew something was up, for the look on your face told them so. Your usual bright eyes turned cold and scared and your body tensed up. Now you wished you had paid more attention towards Mento's lessons in controlling your emotions. It would have come in handy. Starfire instentaly went into her worrying mode, asking you what was wrong and Cyborg put on a face that showed a lot of concern. It didn't matter-the words you said to them gave them more of an answer.

"_He is a _ _murderous backstabbing heartless cold cruel scum of a monster."_

After that, you had to leave. You could feel the tears building in your eyes and if you didn't leave _now_ it would all be downhill from there. You didn't want to think of what would come out of your mouth next.

They didn't pursue you. Even as you fled from the kitchen area, heading for the shore and the place they called 'your rock', they let you be. They could tell they had hit a nerve and that it would probably be a _long_ time before that even considered bringing the subject up.

Nicholas Galtry wasn't one to think lightly of. He had killed Mark and Marie Logan in a boating accident. They sole survivor was their son Garfield Logan. Less than a year later Galtry came back and kidnapped him, taking him to a lab somewhere in the states. He doesn't let him think about his days in the lab. He still has the scars. Yes, the titans have seen them. But he wont answer they questions as to where he had gotten them. He can feel their eyes on him, silently questioning each other as to why he-_Beast Boy_- would have something to hide. It doesn't matter to him. They wouldn't understand anyway.

Than the rage came back and suddenly he was on his feet, beating the tree to a pulp as his gloves now lay discarded on the sandy shores. His claws shredded the tree bark and he was screaming all the words he knew in Swahili at the sky. Much later he stopped, shoulders heaving, and body shacking. His hands were bleeding and he was sure he had broken a knuckle, but he would worry about that later.

He backed off the tree and collected his gloves. He went to the water and washed his hands, holding his gloves in his mouth as he bit down when the water made the cuts sting. It didn't matter-he was used to pain. It was ironic though. He had gone through worse, yet he still cringed at the most simplest of injuries. He would never tell the titans the real truth of way he was terrified of needles and dimly remember the first time he had gotten a checkup and Cliff had to hold him down while the Doctor gave him shot after shot. He still disliked doctors, the ones in the lab were cruel and horrible. His best friend isn't them, though, and he has to remind himself that every time there is a checkup or when he gets hurt. But they can see the fear in his eyes, they way his body tenses up at those touches and the way he eyes those needles. It still scares him to this day that Galtry will come back and finish what he started years ago. Next time he knows that he wont get away.

After a few minuets you walk back up to the small group of trees. The one you mauled is now just a mass of shredded wood and bark. Your hands hurt and so does your head and now you wish nothing more that to be back in your own bed. You slide down one tree trunk and small streams of tears go down your face. You don't even know _why_ your crying. If it's because they found out that you absoulitly _fear_ this man or because they never thought you had anything this bad to hide, you don't know. All you know is that now everything is going to be different. Robin knows what he did to you-he knows what happened that horrible night, when you lost something you can't ever get back.

It scares you that they may hate you, think of you as dirty and filthy as to what happened. You don't know if you want to go back. You don't want to see what they make of the whole thing. Yes, they have seen you scream out when you had a nightmare, but you never tell them what their about. Now they know.

You never told them why you hate doctors and hospitals and needles. Now they know. The list goes on and on, but you don't want to think about it. You bring your knees up towards your chest-a habit you got after the beatings stopped-and wrap your arms tightly around your legs. You've never been so scared before. After everything that had happened you finally found a family, and _he_ is going to ruin it for you. It was a surprise to you that they haven't thrown you off the team, not after what they learned. You expect it thought, and somehow work up the courage to go back.

When you land on the shore, there they are. Starfire has her hands clasped in worry, held just under her chin. Her eyes burn with a strong concerned look and her eyebrows are bunched together in sadness.

Robin is there, his arms crossed across his chest, his eyes unseen due to his mask. Raven has her hood down, and for the first time you see her showing a the first real sign that she is feeling something towards you. Her eyes flicker back and forth over you, like she's trying to figure you out. You brush it aside. Cyborg is different. He looks like he's having a struggle between running to you and staying put with the others. As usual, Robin speaks first.

"Beast Boy…why didn't you tell us?" He asks, his voice somewhat caught between soft and heavly concerned.

"I…" I didn't have an answer. My chest clenched and I looked at the ground, not lifting my head to look at them. Than there is the sound of feet and suddenly Robin is right in front of me, holding me by the shoulders, preventing me from running off again.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"It wouldn't have mattered. You don't want me anyway." I said so quietly that he almost missed it. I wish he did, but because he's Robin, it wouldn't have mattered.

"It _does_ matter. We care about you."

"No, I…" I was stumbling on the right words. How was I supposed to tell them.

"I don't care what happened there-" He didn't get to finish, I cut him off. That part of my brain the rebels against everything I know kicked in.

"You _should_! Kick me off, tell me I'm horrible, that I'm filthy and dirty and shouldn't deserve to be living right now. He wanted me dead that day, but I wasn't so he took me to those stupid labs and did all that stuff to me. I don't care anymore. I don't…" I was crying again, silent tears making there way down my face.

A new set of arms grabbed me and Cyborg shook me lightly until I looked at him. His eyes were full of anger and possession.

"You listen to me _right now._ You are _not_ filthy or dirty or any of the crap. It ain't _true_. You got it? You're my best friend, my little brother. And there isn't one minuet that I wouldn't want you here. Ask any of us-none of us are going to get rid of you."

I didn't say anything, just looked back down at the ground. Then two metal arms wrapped around me. My mind wanted to shove them off, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Wasn't this what I had hoped for?

I wasn't sure how I got to the couch in the Common Room, all I knew was that when I opened my eyes, I was lying down, with Raven looking down at me. I didn't say anything, but she sat next to be.

"You're not going anywhere-This is your home, and were not kicking you out." She said, her voice full of emotion. Then she did something…odd. She grabbed my hand, running her hand over mine. Than she slowly took off the glove. My hand was still a mess, this time it was covered in dried blood and splattered with black bruises. She healed it, doing the same with the other. I didn't know what to say, but something in my eyes must have told her all she needed to know.

"Was it true?" I asked after a second. She looked at me like I had grown a second head.

"Of course it was true. I might not show it, but I want you here. I…I appricate your jokes and the way you look out for me in a battle. I know I don't act like I like you, but I do and I want you to know that."

I nod, the words not coming to mind. I was suddenly very tired and worried. They still hadn't asked anything. She suddenly engulfed me in a shy hug. I wrapped my arms around her and she didn't pull away. She rubbed my back with one hand, the other petting my hair. She swayed back and forth, trying to put me at ease. I don't know how long I stayed like that.

Not much later, we were still sitting on the couch, side by side, when Starfire walked in. She took one look at me and grabbed me in a bone crushing hug. She didn't say anything, which was fine, but she wanted me to know that she cared. It was enough.

That night I told them. I told them everything about Nicholas Galtry. They waited patiently when I paused. Raven would sit next to me the entire time and Robin didn't ask as many questions as I thought. Which was fine, it was much better than fine.

One day I used to fear Nicholas Galtry. To be honest, I still fear him. I don't like doctors or needles, but I'm not so much as afraid of them as I used to be. Somewhere in the back of my head I feel somewhat sorry for him.

One rule that everyone knows well is this: mess with one of the titans, the four others will hunt you down and beat the crap out of you.

One day I feared him. Now I don't. I used to be afraid of what they would think when they found out, but that turned out to be something foolish to worry about. They were worried _for_ me. They didn't hate me or kick me off the team. It was worth telling.

I've learned two things: 1) I never should have thought the titans would hate me because of something I couldn't control and 2) were family, so I should have known they would be there.

They always were.


End file.
